
By Jeff Bell.
The newly-verbal child soon finds the power of questioning–every parent has been subjected to the relentless strings of “Why?” only to be followed by “Yes, but why?” It’s the most economical way of getting information–as long as the patience of the parent or other party holds out.
As we gather knowledge into adulthood, we tend to rely on the insights and expertise that we have built, so rather than ask, we more often tell. In these situations, the chances are that our ego has taken over and we are not so receptive to learning. We just want the world to conform to how we see it.
This can be a pain in the neck for interpersonal relationships. It can be downright hazardous for the leader. When we are stressed, hurried, irritated or angry we really unload on the tell. It blinds us and it closes down the other party with a resultant end of conversation and increase in ill-will. It is just as likely to cause a lot of heat; and the same outcome.
If interaction turns to decision-making, and we are stressed, hurried, irritated or angry, we will have a far narrower view of the world.
And we continue to unload on the tell.
All too often, important decisions are made under these stressed circumstances.
How do we break this cycle? Getting help from a coach is one of the better ways to cope.
Ideally, the coaching conversation also helps us to:
- Become aware of our own thought processes.
- Distinguish between logic and emotion.
- Discover facts and feelings.
- Evaluate possibilities.
- Develop an action plan.
- Be held to account.
Each of these is also a major contributor to better leadership.
So it is reasonable to posit that the currency of the coaching relationship is the conversation. Further, that the leading conversational tool for the coach, and the leader, is the question.
This is not new. Socrates (469 BC–399 BC) was a great educator who taught by asking questions and drawing out answers from his pupils who included Plato, Xenophon and Aristotle.
Central to this was, and is, asking “Why?” of course–especially if used judiciously. But is this always the best question?
Consider this–brought to my attention by the author of Insight, Dr Tasha Eurich.
Asking why? is broad, usually backward looking and asks for an explanation–which we may not be capable of giving. It invites the danger of bringing down the conversation and closing off the possibility of enquiry, of placing oneself in the future, of creating hope.
For instance, in a coaching session you express dissatisfaction with the current state of your business and I respond with “Why aren’t you happy with the way things are going?” You would probably look backwards to catalogue the items and then give cause and effect for each, if not just the effect. Part-way in, you become overwhelmed with the enormity of the response you may need to give me and run out of steam, or plod on, sinking further into the mire. Then, run out of steam.
The problem is, “Why?” doesn’t produce insight. It merely asks for something to be recounted. When someone looks backwards to explain a negative state, they will most likely become disappointed, regretful, resentful; even bitter and vengeful.
This results in a litany of loss, not a map to the miraculous.
There is no insight, there is no optimism, no option generation or problem-solving. The situation may seem hopeless. And when we know that we’re without hope, we have nothing.
What if, on the other hand, I were to ask “What would your best business look like?” You are then projected into the future and setting a vision. You are already identifying what to do next.
Try this for yourself. Ask someone close to you to pose this question. Ask it of your coach if you have one. As Eurich explains:
“Why questions draw us to our limitations; what questions help us see our potential.
Why questions stir up negative emotions; what questions keep us curious.
Why questions trap us in our past; what questions help us create a better future.”
“What?”. Not so much “Why?”.