By Jeff Bell
Let’s assume that we have what we need.
Nutritious food, clean water, adequate clothing, shelter, sanitation, education, transport , protection from physical and psychological harm. A sense of belonging to family, friends and a wider community.
But what else is there? What do we want?
Striving for more or for better is often the way we are wired—surely in the growing years, and possibly in the maturing years.
And what are the things that we find the most important to strive for? Is it everything that we have or do? Or are there just a few possibilities? Most of us want better than our parents have had and better than we have now.
Don’t we.
But is this a never-ending search? At what point would we be satisfied? At what point do we stop wanting more? And if we are denied at any point, do we fight harder, just idle along, or surrender?
This wanting for more is an anxiety based on the future, referenced to the past and occupying our present.
Depending on how many of these things there are and how high is the bar for each, striving for what we want may overcrowd our present.
Being anxious about not having achieved what we are striving for can make us so unhappy that it actually impairs our ability to achieve what we want. That is, the act of wanting, taken to the extreme, can ruin our lives and even destroy us.
It starts with how we define ourselves. If it is by a position we hold, we can ask ourselves:
Is this the right position for me? Can I have a better position? What position do other people have? Does this matter to me? Does this make them better than me? How can I get that better position? What will be the best position of all? How will I get that best position of all? What does it mean about me that I don’t have the best position of all? What will people think of me if I don’t have the best position of all? Am I worthless if I don’t have the best position of all? Is having the best position something I can control, completely? What more am I prepared to do to get what I want? On reflection, do I really want this so much?
Do any of these essentially external things define who you are? Or is there a deeper, internal, you?
Does any of this cause you anxiety—this not being enough, no matter how you define yourself?
Here’s a test.
What if, for instance, you found that you had only a month to live? Which of the above would you seek to achieve? Having chosen, does it mean that the others are not so important in the month to come, the last month of your life?
But, good news! Your demise it not (so) imminent. Could it be that, having received a reprieve, you decide that these others are not so important for a much longer term? Even, for the rest of your life?
If we, instead, define ourselves by how we behave in the world, we can ask ourselves: What is the right thing to do? How can I do it? All of the other questions, these voices in our heads, can fade away.
Being able to stop, pause and watch our own behaviour will come to us. We can reflect on what we are doing and change our behaviour if necessary. We can consider what other people around us are doing and what they may want from themselves. And from us.
Then instead of Do I have enough? Am I important enough? What are people thinking about me? we can be calm and present. We will see that feeling regretful about the past or being anxious about the future are a waste of our time and emotional energy.
We can be open to more possibilities and devise more options then make better choices. While we are relaxed rather than when we are under the constant stress of our restless ego.
We can devote our resources to the here and now—what really matters. We need never have to ask ourselves again.
Am I enough?